Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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