I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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