R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
