just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's blow job season.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
