I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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