According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
