i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
