He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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