I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
