Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
