Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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