I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
