That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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