I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
