doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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