You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
