so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
