Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
