fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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