I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
