I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think i have herpe
just one?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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