You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
