Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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