I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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