On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
