I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She's the barista slut.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
