I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
