Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Randomize
