Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
