I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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