He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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