We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
