That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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