I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
