he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
as a side note pls kill me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
