I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
