You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
