i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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