so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
