You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
