Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
