thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
