textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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