Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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