I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
