1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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