Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
