Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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