my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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