you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize