I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Edward fifth and chaser hands
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize