never play flip cup with pint glasses
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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