How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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