I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize