the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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