you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
