why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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