i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You should frame my arrest warrant.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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