My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
