Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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