i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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