im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
