You're my little dorito
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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